


Feel the Weight

by sczrhead



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Draco Malfoy & Pansy Parkinson Friendship, F/M, I tried really hard to give Draco a happy ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Inspired by Music, It ends hopeful though, It just doesn't work out that way sometimes, M/M, No beta we post our mistakes without god, Pansy Parkinson is a Good Friend, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:29:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27763780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sczrhead/pseuds/sczrhead
Summary: Draco Malfoy is feeling nervous about the decisions he's made. Luckily, Pansy's hand is there for Draco to hold.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy & Pansy Parkinson, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley
Comments: 7
Kudos: 30





	Feel the Weight

**Author's Note:**

> Feel the Weight - Miike Snow

The sound of the wedding march rings through Draco’s ears. He breathes in deep and squeezes Pansy's hand. 

“You okay?” she whispered and squeezed his hand back.

Draco nods and takes one more deep breath. He closes his eyes and focuses on grounding himself. The sound of the doors opening and the guests' gasps fill his ears and it seems hearing is the only sense that works anymore. Slowly, still tightly holding Pansy’s hand, Draco opened his eyes and looked at Harry. 

It looked like he put effort into making his curls presentable but they were still a little messy. He looked so cleaned up and he could steal hearts with just one glance. Draco searched his memory trying to think of a time when Harry looked as dashing as he did tonight, on his wedding night. Draco has seen him in dress robes before of course, the Yule Ball, the funerals, oh god all the funerals. 

It’s how the two of them fell into sync with one another. The two men both crushed, unfeeling, needing something to fill the gaping wounds in their chests that the war had left. And so they did. They filled the holes in the other’s chest while curling around each other. Soft kisses on naked bodies. Pale skin sticking to tan. Always in the dark, in a muggle hotel room, in the back of a muggle bar, where no one would recognize either of them. The Savior of the Wizarding World and the Death Eater that lost it all, both finding a way to heal within each other. 

One night, Draco couldn’t remember just how long he had been seeing Harry in secret, they had just finished another magical night and now they were holding each other, cradling their lover as if they could protect each other from the outside world. As if, if they could pull each other as close as possible all that would matter would become that night, and the world would just stop existing. It would stop asking and taking so so much from the two of them. 

Draco leaned down and gave Harry a soft kiss on his forehead. Harry, his green eyes boring into Draco’s, full of love, and adventure, and curiosity. 

“What is it?” Draco whispered. He could read Harry like a book and he stared when he was trying to figure out how to say something. 

“Do you love me?”

Draco stopped breathing. He was so unsure of how to answer that. He knew what the answer  _ was _ , but is it fair for him to say it?

“Draco,” Harry started, sitting up, and pulling Draco up with him, “Draco, if you tell me you love me right now. If you, if you tell me that I am what you want I’ll leave her. I’ll leave Ginny. The only reason I haven’t is because I don’t know what you want. Do you want to be with me? Or am I just someone to fuck on the side?” Harry stared at Draco. 

A car drove by, headlights shining through the hotel window, lighting up Harry’s wet face, and then Draco’s. Draco kept every thought and feeling off of his own face, he couldn’t give himself away. 

Draco did love Harry. He loved him more than anyone he has ever loved before, and he knew Harry loved him. One of the first few nights they spent together Harry said it. Draco could never say it back. He still couldn’t. Draco knew that he wasn’t what Harry deserved. He deserved someone that he could love openly, in the light. He deserved someone that didn’t need to be hidden away. Harry Potter did not deserve to fall in love with Draco Malfoy, and Draco would not let him. 

“No, I don’t love you,” Draco stated, all emotion drained from his voice. He got up from the bed and started pulling on his clothes. “Harry, we shouldn’t do this anymore. It’s not fair to you or Ginny. I have to go.”

Once he finished putting on his clothes Draco crossed the room they rented out. The soft sob coming from his ex lover’s lips almost made him turn around, but he didn't, he didn't even give Harry another glance

That night Draco left Harry’s life as a lover but remained as a distant friend. And that is why he was here today. At the wedding for the man he loved and the woman he deserved. 

Draco turned to look at Ginny, who was coming through the doors in her lovely white gown. It was exactly what you would expect from her. Nothing frilly or too dazzling, but in spite of that it was stunning, and it turned heads. The silhouette fit her body like a glove, the dress fanning out just at her hips. Ginny looked radiant. And Draco, clutching Pansy’s hand tighter and tighter, couldn’t breathe. 

Throughout the whole ceremony, Draco stared at Harry. God how he wished he was standing where Ginny was standing, receiving vows that Harry wrote just for him. Draco could almost laugh thinking of how their wedding could have been. Harry would look as charming as he did today, and Draco, well he wouldn't have started the day off on the floor.

Trying to distance himself from the ceremony so he wouldn't break, Draco began to think of the morning’s events.

“Draco?” Pansy called softly, accompanied by a couple knocks on his hotel door.

He couldn't get up from the floor. The night before he drank, and drank, and drank. It wasn't too much more than what he had been drinking lately, but it was enough where he couldn't find the strength to push himself up off the floor.

He heard the door open and he remembered he gave Pansy his spare key in case he didn't get up in time and needed a wake up call. Draco knew he needed one desperately, but not exactly the one he requested from her last night. 

“Oh my god, Draco!” yelled Pansy, and she rushed quickly to his side, “Draco! Are you okay?” She brushed his hair out of his face and attempted to sit him up.

“Yeah, will you help me cut my hair?” Draco mumbled, trying to pull himself together but also starting to fall back down.

“Draco, what? Why do you want to cut your hair? That's the least of your worries right now.”

“Pans, I look like him. I look too much like him and I can't show up to Harry’s wedding looking like Lucius. I want to be me. For him.” Draco said firmly, tears building in his eyes. If he broke down now, he knew Pansy would help him, but that didn't stop him from holding back.

She sighed and brushed a couple strands of Draco’s hair that fell back into his face away, “Okay hun, but first we gotta get you looking better. I think I packed a little bit of Pepper-Up incase I got a little too crazy tonight,” she smiled slightly at Draco, “I think you need it a bit more. Stay here I'll be back.” 

Draco nodded and leaned up against the foot of the bed, he let his head hang between his knees, wishing that he didn't push Harry away. He felt like the weight of all of his decisions were crushing him, and today was going to prove how permanent some decisions can be. Draco was a broken man, and right when healing was in his grasp, he threw it all away.

The sounds of applause and yelling tore Draco from his memories. He looked up and saw Harry and Ginny kissing, sealing the marriage that Draco pushed for. After the applause died down and the last shout of congratulations was heard, some official for their wedding began ushering the guests out to line up and throw the flower seeds on the ground when the bride and groom came out. 

On the way out, Draco risked a look behind his shoulder to see the bridal party beginning to line up in poses for the ceremony pictures and Harry. It took Draco a moment to bring his eyes to him but when he did he was met with green eyes staring just as intently back at him. Draco gave Harry a small smile and a thumbs up as an offering of congratulations. As far as he knew, Draco was completely happy with the choices he made. 

When everyone was outside of the building they were all lined up from the door to the car that the couple was going to take to the reception. Pansy pulled Draco to her side and kept a firm grip on his hand. He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and squeezed her hand once more. Draco had no idea how he would've gotten through the ceremony or the rest of the night without Pansy by his side. 

Before they knew it Ginny and Harry were rushing out the doors, grinning as wide as possible. They looked so happy. For a moment, just a moment, Draco considered telling her and ruining this day for her. He wanted to tell her of all the nights he held Harry when he was supposed to be working late, but he knew that wouldn’t end well for any of the parties involved. So instead he clapped, smiled, and threw the seeds when they ran in front of him, and then watched as they got into their car. The guests then started to leave and head to their cars so they could find their way to the reception. 

When everyone had thinned out and he felt no one would notice Draco turned to Pansy, “I feel sick Pans,” he said, fighting hard to hold back a mixture of nausea and sadness. 

“I know,” she began nodding, “Come on, we don’t have to stay long. We can just show up for an hour or two and then we can leave. Just, keep your composure Draco. Please don’t go straight for the drinks.” He nodded and Pansy smiled, “I love you, let’s go”

Draco heaved a sigh and followed behind her into her car. 

***

They had already been there for an hour and a half and Draco was getting more and more exhausted from watching Harry dance around with his new bride and his friends, but he would look over at Pansy, laughing and spinning with anyone and everyone and he decided that they won’t leave until she is ready. Smiling a bit at watching his friend so happy, he turned his gaze back to where he last saw Harry while taking a sip of his drink. When he saw that Harry wasn’t there he looked all over the dance floor for curls bouncing to the beat of the loud music, but he couldn’t find them anywhere. Draco decided to shrug it off and thought Harry was in the bathroom until he sat down right in front of him. 

One look at his flushed face Draco knew he overdid it a little too much with the alcohol. He chuckled a bit thinking back to Pansy being worried about  _ him  _ getting a little lost in the drinks. 

“Hello Harry, congratulations on your marriage,” Draco said, a little louder than he would have usually due to the noise making it impossible to even have a conversation. 

Harry smiled and reached his hand across the table to grasp Draco’s. Draco took a deep breath in and quickly looked up at Harry. He would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t want this, all Draco wanted was to hold and be held by Harry, but even right now, it feels wrong. He feels like this should be hidden somewhere, not so open where people could see. 

“Harry-”

“Draco,” Harry quickly cut him off, “I know, that this seems like something that is unchanging and permanent, but if you tell me now, or ten, or fifty years in the future that you love me,” he paused and stared into Draco’s eyes, “I will be yours.”

Draco nodded solemnly, “I know Harry, but I can't love you. If you were to be seen with me your reputation would be ruined. I can see the headlines now, and especially if you were to leave Ginny. Harry, I'm sorry, it's just not in the cards for us.”

Harry looked down at their hands and gave Draco’s one more squeeze, “Nice haircut, by the way, I've always liked your hair short,” he stood and walked away, back to the dance floor.

Draco put one hand up to his hair and brushed his fingers through it, he decided he was never going to let it get long again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I've had this posted on my tumblr (sczrhead.tumblr.com) for awhile now, and with some pushing from my roommate, I've decided to post it here finally.  
> Leave kudos and comments if you'd like!


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